This is how the conversation in my brain goes:
voice 1: nevermind. there's gonna be another chance, another opportunity
voice 2: what if that was your chance? what if that opportunity was meant for you?
voice 1: nauh it's okay. I'll let others have it. I got work to focus on.
voice 2: but this could determine the choices you make in future? like, a trial run of what you've been thinking of for years but never had the guts to do it.
voice 1: my priority is alevels. you gotta sacrifice something, and its not gonna be your studies.
voice 2: would you stand up for yourself for once? you can stand up to vulgarities, to every other crap stuff that happens, and you cant even go up to the person and tell her that you want to participate??? it's not going to kill you
voice 1: I can't. I need to study. anyway, I can always do my own music at home.
voice 2: but nobody will ever hear it. how're you gonna consider it as a career choice if you don't attempt to create something in the first place? or let others have a listen at what goes around in your head?
voice 1: there'll be opportunities. just, not now.
voice 2: then when?
voice 1: I don't know. everyone seems a better musician than me. better at guitar, better at ukelele, better at singing, better at piano.
voice 2: then you're always going to tell yourself that. stop secondguessing and just do it. you're already so accomplished, you don't need to be jealous of others, but accept the talents of others, move on. music is meant to be shared. if not now, when?
----AND REPEAT ---

yeah that's how it's going now. betcha never thought this battle could be so metaphorically messy and bloody.
so today they were talking about how they needed people to perform some premovie segment performance. they were going over a list of people discussing who they could possibly ask to do it. I was sitting right there the whole time. it's like pounding on a cell door. no matter how much you want to break that door down, it's still going to be there, rigid, seemingly unmovable.

I dont have the best voice. people tell me its too strained when I sing pop, and the sound's always drowned out by something else.
I dont have the best guitar skills. I can't improvise nice chords, my strumming's unstable.
I dont have the best ukelele skills. I play by ear, not by chords, and its hard when jamming.
I dont have the best piano skills. I know people who can improvise jazz chords so well it make you go dizzy.

but what I have is some kind of innate ability to hear voices and parts. To pick apart a piece of music and tell you roughly how the music goes in each part.
I hear melodies of different songs fitting together like a glove.
I hear the harmonies even when I'm not singing.
The harmonies continue in my head long after the music stops.
but nobody's asked me for anything. not harmonies, not melodies, not accompaniment.
even when I'm there and ready for any query that might come, they choose to call someone else with an established reputation for an aptitude in those things. why not ask a willing someone who's close by?
I dont have to show off. I have nothing to show off. whatever I have, I trust that it comes from God. and if it comes for God, and He tells us that He gives us various talents for a purpose, I wouldnt like His gifts to go to waste.
I just need a breakthrough.
should I wait for the opportunity to come? or should I take a step forward, and risk embarrassment by overestimating myself or risk the judgement of other people thinking that they could do a better job?
I'm not asking for people to pity me and to let me have a shot just because they feel sorry for me. I want there to be an opportunity because others think I am capable of producing the best darndest mix or performance. The opportunity to share music on my own turf. No interruptions, no opposing.

ultimately, if anything is to happen, I just hope that I may see God's hand working through all this and recognise Him. To take ownership of what He's given to me and do whatever task He's set out to the best of my ability. 

voice 1: fat chance. keep dreaming.
voice 2: take a deep breath, and move forward.

I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
                                                 praise you in this storm - casting crowns




eternal-flame blogged at 11:49 PM